How To Be Flexible: Even When You Feel Blue as Hell
The awe I feel when I witness the graceful flexibility of a professional dancer or athlete, whether in motion or the stillness of a pose, is a kind of reverence without any misgivings that I could accomplish a similar physical feat with my own body. My body simply does not and will not bend, fold, or extend in the ways of a bad ass breakdancer or hoopster. I can accept this. I will keep doing yoga, keep getting down on the floor to play with my kiddo, and I will keep on dancing at every groovy opportunity, but my physical flexibility has limitations.
However, my mental flexibility continues to expand and evolve with each passing year. I do not think this is just a lucky part of the aging process (though wouldn’t that be nice!). I think it is because I work at it. I am aware of it and I practice. And, I look to role models and mentors for inspiration. It is certainly not always pretty; a considerable factor in my expanding mental flexibility is an acceptance of the messiness of this human life.
Mental flexibility reminds me of time in the studio when it looks like a disaster, materials strewn about, ten projects all works in progress propped up on every available surface, a feeling of deep potential in the air. There are options. There are some good options and some not-so-good options. There is potential for something beautiful to come into being. By contrast, if I am feeling inflexible in the studio (or my mind) I am immovable. I stand cemented in place and I make nothing.
Mental flexibility is on a spectrum and where we land on that spectrum can change based on our moods and emotional experiences. The interesting thing is that the more mental flexibility we have the more welcoming we are to emotional diversity. And, when we welcome emotional diversity, we can respond in more flexible ways to all of the difficult and wonderful and uncomfortable inputs we are receiving throughout the day, every day.
So, this brings me to my specific point: Mental flexibility is not always easy to come by, especially when we are feeling particularly out of sorts. When feeling blue as hell or as anxious as a bunny running from a coyote, we can still engage in a process of gentle noticing and intuitive discernment. Maybe it is not as quick or natural as it is in moments when we feel good and well-resourced, but we can still get there. The noticing process and the discernment process in tandem help us to expand and grow into our flexibility. And, our flexibility is especially helpful during difficult times, both personally and collectively.
How to grow your mental flexibility?
First, this:
Gentle Noticing
1. Notice and name the feeling/thought as it appears.
2. Notice and name the root of the feeling/thought, if you are able to trace it.
3. Observe the feeling/thought of your noticing without judgment. That could look like a brief and gentle exchange with the feeling/thought: “Hey, I see you. I hear you. I am not sure what to make of you yet, but I want you to know I am noticing you.”
Then, this:
Intuitive Discernment
1. Discern with a question: Is that interpretation of the feeling/thought true or necessary? Your deep knowing can give you the answer and help you decide what to do with it.
2. Discern through processing: Often it is helpful to sort it out on a deeper level by writing about it, or drawing while contemplating, or going on a long walk, or talking it out with someone you trust. Answers often come to us by processing what we are thinking and feeling.
3. Check yourself: As you try to make sense of your feelings and thoughts, run through a mental list of the values and beliefs you hold dear to discern if your interpretation is aligned with what you truly care about.
Now, this:
Your Mental Flexibility Expands
The noticing process and the discernment process make room for you to grow your mental flexibility, which often relates to your emotional response. This happens through acceptance, patience, compassion, and practice.
1. Acceptance that you are human, and being human can be really hard. Stay open to the experience of being human.
2. Patience is essential. Patience with yourself and with others.
3. Compassion, also, downright essential. Again, with yourself and with others.
4. Practice. Trial and error and practice. It will get easier. And, before long you will be doing the mental splits.
This mental framework that I share with my clients, and also helps me to navigate my own thoughts and feelings, builds on and is inspired by an amalgamation of science-backed research, creative practice, and spiritual underpinnings. The benefits of growing your mental flexibility? More grace and pleasure. More empathy and understanding. More connection and creativity. In other words, a kinder way of being.